Talking or keeping silent? How trauma affects parents and their children

A Recent scientific study They investigated how parents who have experienced (potentially traumatic) events communicate with their children. They also examined how the way they communicate can affect the child’s well-being, and how it contributes to intergenerational trauma.

What does the research reveal?

The research reveals a number of important insights. These are the main points:

• Trauma affects the way we communicate. Parents with trauma sometimes react more intensely, get angry more quickly, or withdraw from their child. This changes the contact with their child.
• There is rarely talk about trauma. When it does come up, it often happens in small chunks and can be disjointed. Sometimes, something is suddenly shared without the child being prepared for it.
• Staying silent to protect someone can actually do harm. Many parents do not want to burden their child with their past. But when there is never any talk about it, children often fill in the gaps themselves based on what they consciously and unconsciously notice. And that can lead to uncertainty, guilt, or fear.
• The impact on children depends on how they are communicated with. becomes. It’s not so much the fact that there is trauma, but how it is talked about (or kept silent about) that determines the well-being of children.
• Parents need support. Many parents want to protect their children but feel unsure about how to do so.

What can you as a parent or relative do best?

Trauma can be passed down from generation to generation, but it is not inevitable. By becoming aware of how you communicate, you can be an important link in breaking patterns as a parent or a relative.

This research shows that talking about serious experiences of the parent can actually be helpful and protective for the child, as long as it is adapted to the child's age and capacity to cope. 

Here are some tips:

• Be honest in a way that suits your child's age. You don't have to tell everything, but being open in small, bite-sized chunks can help. The book The Lost Stuffed Animal Brigade is a nice read.
• Avoid extreme silence or, conversely, overwhelming openness. Both can throw children off balance.
• Pay attention to how you react and subtitle yourself when necessary. Even without words, children feel a lot. Sometimes your body language or tone of voice says enough. It’s helpful for a child if you can subtitle yourself, so they understand what they see from you. For example: your child asks for something small and you react angrily or curtly because you’ve just been triggered by something else. You can then say: “Sorry for reacting so strongly; it’s not your fault. I’m noticing that I’m a bit tense myself.”
• Involve others where necessary. Sometimes teachers, family members or helpers can help to convey the story, or to open the conversation.
• Seek support. You don't have to do it alone. Talking about your own trauma or about parenting is exciting, but you are welcome to ask for help. The book Trauma and parenting is a nice read.