Who of a addiction When people want to give up, they often get the same advice: be strong, keep going, and don't give up. We're talking about recovery in military terms. Continuing to fight every day is courageous. But who are you really fighting against?
My advice is usually different. To those who demand more freedom, I invite them to stop fighting and become curious about what is happening. I know how that sounds: as if you had to surrender. But that is not what I mean.
Many people are not just trapped in their Craving for alcohol or another means, but also in their fight against it. That fight gives you a sense of control. It gives you the feeling that you still have the power, that you are not powerless and that you are doing something. Moreover, your surroundings encourage that attitude: you can do this, you are strong, we believe in you!
But nobody feels like a hero all day long. There are also days when you really want to drink or use drugs. Then it seems like there are two sides to you: one part desires it, while another part jumps on top of it with complaints. How could you want this again? Have you still not learned anything? What a weakling you are! That voice is barely bearable. Of course you want to silence her, and sooner or later fatigue will overcome your willpower.
An addiction is not only fueled by the desire for a substance, but also by the war between those two parts. That war consumes an enormous amount of energy. The more tension there is, the more attractive the escape route becomes that you are trying to avoid. In this way, both parts keep each other captive.
We see the struggling part as the hero of the story. It wants to maintain control, establish rules, make promises, and after every setback swears that things will be different now. Probably that inner fighter has brought you a lot. For many, he has been the way to stay afloat for years.
This hero alone will not ultimately free you. Behind all that fighting often lurks a terrified guard who thinks everything is going wrong as soon as he lets his grip even a little slack. He screams so hard because he doesn't know any other way to keep you safe. After all these years, he is mostly exhausted.
Often I hear: ‘But if I accept that addicted part of myself, then nothing will ever change? It will only get worse.’ I completely understand that fear. Yet there is also the inner warrior here who is trying to maintain control.
For me, accepting means something else. You let go of the fight, not your desire to be free. The part that wants to use doesn’t have to change first. You can also start by becoming curious about the inner warrior who has worked so hard for you all these years. As the war becomes quieter, there is space to also get to know the part that wants to use. Because that too is not the enemy. It is trying to protect you in its own way.
Manja Kamman
Psychosocial therapist and integrative hypnotherapist with experience
More about Manja
Manja is a psychosocial therapist and integrative hypnotherapist with experience. She works with people with addictions, eating disorders, and psychological trauma, in her practice in Amsterdam, both individually and in groups. In addition, she provides training for professionals and has written the book I know you are there – integrative support for addiction and recovery. She also gives lectures on addiction and recovery.
In Manja’s work, it is not about fighting your complaints, but about learning to deal differently with what is going on inside. Together with clients, she looks at the different parts of their lives, including the parts that manifest in addiction or destructive behavior. She works with IFS and other forms of sharing that create space for understanding and compassion. Often another question arises: who are you, among all the things you have become willing to do to keep it going? A journey that is an entrance to recovery and a deeper experience of yourself.
