You may want to be there, but sometimes you don't really know how. What do you say, or rather, what do you not say? When do you offer support, and when do you give space?
In this article, we describe a number of practical tips on how to support your partner during pregnancy and afterwards, and how to keep taking good care of yourself as well.
Tools to support your partner
1. Understand trauma (a little bit)
Trauma is not just about what someone has experienced, but especially about what that does to their sense of safety in the here and now. Being pregnant can bring up old feelings or memories, especially during medical examinations, physical changes, or the idea of losing control.
Because of this, your partner may become tense, emotional, or withdrawn more quickly, without there seeming to be a direct cause. It helps if you do not take that personally, but understand that these are bodily and brain responses to (past) stress.
- You can find a lot of information on Traumanet about trauma en consequences.
- Be curious, not judgmental. Ask instead: “What helps for you when things are difficult?” dan “What's going on now?”
- Remember: your calmness is contagious. Staying calm is a form of offering support.
2. Create predictability and calm
Predictability is important for many people with trauma, especially during pregnancy. Unexpected touches, sudden decisions, or changes in appointments can evoke tension.
- Discuss together what helps: does your partner want to know what is going to happen during an examination or appointment?
- Always ask if touch is welcome, even if it wasn't a problem before.
- Help maintain structure during busy times, for example by planning moments of rest or overview.
You don't have to fix everything. Just staying present, breathing calmly, and being there often helps more than words.
3. Be emotionally present
Sometimes no solution or advice is needed. Just sitting together, listening, or holding a hand can already mean a lot.
- Make room for emotions without trying to make them go away.
- Feel free to say that you don't always know what to do, but that you are there.
- Ask what is supportive in difficult moments; that can vary from day to day.
- Be gentle with yourself: you are allowed to find it complicated too.
4. Discuss boundaries and physical proximity
During pregnancy the body changes, and that can bring up old tension or memories. Touch can therefore sometimes feel different.
- Ask what is pleasant and what is not.
- View intimacy more broadly than sex: intimacy can also be found in cooking together, cuddling, or simply sitting quietly next to each other.
- When touch is pleasant, a massage can be relaxing or, conversely, connecting.
5. After delivery: getting used to a new phase together
The postpartum period is intense for both of you. In addition to parenthood, old pain may also resurface due to physical complaints, fatigue, or medical check-ups.
- Discuss in advance what you can do when things get tough.
- Watch for signs of overload, depression, or withdrawal.
- Help with setting boundaries during post-natal visits or social pressure.
- Ask for help if you notice it's becoming too much, from a midwife, general practitioner, or therapist.
You are also going through a major transition. Take good care of yourself is not selfishness, but a precondition to be able to be there.
6. Take care of yourself too
Being there a lot for your partner can also ask a lot of you. You might feel helpless, worried, or insecure. That is understandable.
- Talk to someone about what you are going through, for example a friend, parent, or healthcare professional.
- Keep doing things that give you energy, such as exercising, being outside, and spending some time alone.
- Take a rest, even if you think your partner needs you all the time. It is helpful if you can also communicate about this with each other and express what you need.
- Remember: you don't have to be her therapist. Being lovingly present is already enough.
Finally
Supporting your partner during pregnancy is not always easy, especially when trauma is involved. But precisely by continuing to listen, tuning in, and being open about what works for both of you, you grow together.
You don't have to do it perfectly. What matters is that you are there, with attention and respect for each other's boundaries. Step by step, this creates more safety, trust, and connection for both of you and for your child.
