Taking care of yourself as a caregiver

Why self-care can be so hard

Many people find it easier to take care of someone else than for themselves. The needs of the other person are often more visible or urgent. It can also feel as if your own feelings or boundaries matter less. Sometimes guilt or shame plays a role: ‘Someone else has it harder, so I have no right to complain.’ But there is no contest in who has it the hardest. Your feelings matter too. You are allowed to be tired, sad, powerless, or frustrated. Good care starts with acknowledging that it is difficult for you too.

Self-care is caring for the other

Taking care of yourself is not the opposite of taking care of another, it is actually an important part of it. If you take good care of yourself, you have more energy, patience, and resilience. Moreover, you show that self-care is normal and necessary. In doing so, you also set a valuable example for the person you are caring for. Perhaps good care begins with this realization.

What can help to take care of yourself?

Self-care does not have to be big or complicated. Small steps can already help to recharge or sometimes just take a step back.

• Keep doing things that give you energy. Go work out, go for a walk, listen to or make music, or meet up with friends. Especially (even) when it feels difficult. Continuing to do things that give you energy is important. 
• Stay connected to your own life. You may (continue to) spend time and attention on things that are also important to you in your life: people, work, or activities that do not revolve around trauma. That helps to maintain balance.
• Take care of the basics. Good food, regular exercise, and sufficient sleep are important for staying resilient. Pay a little extra attention to yourself every now and then: wear something you feel comfortable in, take care of your skin, and sometimes consciously take the time to relax. 
• Talk about what it's like for you. With friends, family, a professional, or peers. You don't have to carry it all alone.

Clarity helps

If you need time for yourself, discuss it at a quiet moment. Explain what you need and when you will be back. Predictability brings peace – for the other person and for yourself. Someone with trauma may struggle with goodbyes or absence, but clarity helps maintain trust.

Self-care does not mean abandoning someone. It means making sure you can keep being there in the long run.

When taking care of yourself is not working

Sometimes you notice that caregiving is becoming too heavy or that your own boundaries keep shifting further. That is not a sign of failure, but a signal that you too need support. Talk about it with your general practitioner or get in touch with organizations that offer support to loved ones of people with mental health issues, such as Loved Ones in Power en We are MIND

You can also find more information, stories from other loved ones, and practical tools to take good care of yourself on Traumanet. You are not alone.