Many people with trauma symptoms struggling with negative beliefs and thoughts like: ‘I am worthless’ of ‘I do everything wrong’. For you, hearing this may be difficult or frustrating, because you see your loved one in a completely different light. The tendency to immediately contradict such thoughts is understandable, but can sometimes lead to discussion or even more distance.
What often works better is listening and acknowledging. You could for example say:‘I hear that you feel this way; that seems like a lot of work.’ This shows that you are listening and taking your partner’s feelings seriously. You can then add that you see things differently, for example that you appreciate your loved one or are happy with their presence. That doesn’t have to be a discussion: your experiences can coexist. Your loved one may feel very negative at that moment, while you at the same time continue to see and/or feel something else.
It might be hard for you too to hear such negative beliefs all the time, or it might make you sad. It might be a good idea to mention this in a quiet moment as well:‘When you say x or y often, that affects me too, because…’ This way you stay honest about what it does to you, without trivializing the other person's pain.
When negative thoughts or a low self-esteem Coming back more often is a good idea to discuss together what would help: do you want your loved one to correct you, or is it better if you just listen? And what do you need? By discussing this together, you can better discover what is supportive for both of you and often experience more connection.
Reading tip
Negative self-image - Manja de Neef
Workbook
