Children often sense tension subtly. If nothing is explained to them while they notice that something is going on, they come up with their own explanation. Their own explanation is often heavier or more negative than reality. Sometimes they even blame themselves: “Things aren’t going well with mom/dad; it must be because of me.”
That's why it's important to be honest, but in a way that suits your child's age. Keep the explanation short and simple. For example: “Papa gets tired or tense faster sometimes because he’s experienced something unpleasant. That’s not your fault.” This way, you give words to what your child already feels and take the responsibility away from them.
You never need to get into the details. For young children, a short, reassuring explanation is often enough. Older children can often understand a little more and find some extra context useful.
In addition, give them space to ask questions and be prepared to explain things more often. Children process things step by step and sometimes come back with the same or new questions later.
If you find it difficult to find the right words, a children's book or story can be a helpful guide. The book The Lost Stuffed Animal Brigade is specially designed for parents to have a conversation with their child(ren) about trauma.
The most important thing is that children can understand that their parent is carrying something heavy, that it is not their fault, and that there is help or support. It can be extra reassuring when the parent who is struggling with trauma also tells this to the child. When the message from both parents comes, it is often even more reassuring.
Read more
